three goals post-chemo

At the end of my first week of chemotherapy, a strange confluence of factors—mainly a peculiar rule in the German hospital system—meant I had to stay overnight in order to receive my fifth and final infusion the next day. Though fatigued and not at my best, there was really no medical reason for me to occupy a hospital bed. Yet there I was on a Friday night, being wheeled into the inpatient oncology ward.

That night was arguably the hardest moment of my entire cancer journey. The ward was unpleasant—crowded with patients in far worse condition than I was. Most were elderly, suffering from advanced cancers, and in significant pain. The sights, smells, and sounds of that evening put my own, more treatable, cancer into perspective—but they also deeply unsettled me. It took several days to recover from the experience, both physically and mentally.

Still, one positive thing emerged from that night of isolation and reflection. It forced me to think deeply about my situation and about where I wanted to be once the chemotherapy was over. My body, mind, and spirit had already taken a beating—and I knew much more was still to come. So I decided to set three goals, one for each of those dimensions, to accomplish within the 12 months following the end of my treatment. My hope was that if I could achieve those goals, it would prove that my body, mind, and spirit had survived intact—or perhaps even stronger than before cancer. Some measurable limeade from my lime.

Goal 1 (Body) – Trail Running Race

I was not a trail runner. Yes, I would head out for casual weekend runs in the forests nearby with our dog Noli, but those were relatively short 6-8 km distances and with almost no elevation gain. But despite my lack of experience, I guess the symbolism of not just scaling a mountain but quite literally running over it was enough of a hook for me. So, I promised myself to sign up for a trail running race that would push me – and push me it did. I ended up registering for the adidas Infinite Trails race in Austria: 31 km long, with 1900 meters of elevation gain. It would easily clock in as the longest run I’d ever attempted, and the most elevation change by an even greater margin.

While the 3-month pre-race training program I created (OK Chat GPT created it) was tough, it was actually pretty enjoyable to get out every weekend for the increasingly more difficult training runs. It was incredible to feel my body getting noticeably stronger each week, my lungs and legs working more efficiently with each run. For almost every training run, Noli was there with me; I was so grateful for the company even if she looked less than impressed for the last few km of some of our longer sessions. I actually feel like those training runs were as healing as finishing the race itself. Whether it was the steeper ascents where I so often would mutter under my breath “F*CK CANCER” when I needed an extra boost, or the feeling of almost floating while coming over a peak and feeling the runner’s high, there were so many cathartic moments during training.

I am really proud that ~11 months after finishing chemo, I completed my 31 km / 1900 meter race. While I didn’t have much of a target time in mind, I was pleased to have placed in the top ~20% of runners in my distance at 4h 36m. Mostly though, I was happy to be greeted by my wife and training partner Noli at the finish line: what a feeling! Thank you to everyone who encouraged me along the way 😊

Goal 2 (Mind) – Therapy

As I have already written about a few times in this blog, the impact to my mental health was a very distinctive aspect of my journey. Especially at the beginning of chemo, I remember waves of strong emotion coming over me and suffering my first panic attacks and bouts with anxiety in the weeks following. That night in the inpatient ward that spurred these goals instilled the desire to be proactive with my mental health, and I resolved to not just try out psychotherapy for the first time, but stick with it for at least 12 months. You can read about my experience with therapy in the blog post chemo //// coping mechanisms & mental health. Progress was not always linear, but it definitely helped to have a regular check-in with a professional who was both objective and probing, helping me to work through the emotional trauma in a structured way. I am happy to say that I also completed this goal 😊

Goal 3 (Spirit) – Silent Retreat

I have been a daily meditator and fascinated by the broader mindfulness space for many years. And while admittedly going to a silent retreat had been something I had been contemplating pre-diagnosis, I guess that night in the inpatient ward was the perfect kick in the butt to make a promise to myself to make it happen (and put a timer on it). While I am trying to go into the experience with a very open mind and not too many expectations, I am hoping that it will serve as a period away from normally daily distractions with potential for a lot of inward reflection about what I went through (and more). Admittedly, I’ll need an extension on this goal beyond the 12-month deadline (I have generously granted it to myself), as I was unable to find a suitable retreat in Germany mainly due to the language issue. But I am booked in for a 4 day retreat at Gaia House in the UK in December, ~15 months after finishing chemo. I’ll update this page after the retreat with some thoughts about the experience.